Three Weeks to Playoffs!

I am the worst league manager. I haven’t written because I am busy and awful. Sorry!

I’m actually still busy, but I am going to be slightly less awful because I am going to give you some important facts about playoffs.

I was in Seattle for this! GO HAWKS!

Trade Deadline

This Wednesday is the last day for trades. This is to prevent any collusion. For example, if you already know you aren’t going to be in playoffs, you trade all your best players to another team to agree to split the winnings. If you want to push through a trade, give me a heads up so I can push it through before the deadline.

Playoffs – Who is In and Who Is Out.

There is only one person in this league who has a guaranteed spot in playoffs. THIS GUY.

ASHISH!!!

ASHISH!!!

Ashish is doing so well, he’s scoring more than I am in my other league, and I’m starting another WR and two defensive players. And I’m in second place in that league! His combination of Peyton Manning and Demariyus Thomas is truly paying off. Also, he always sets his lineup. And he is the nicest trash talker ever. Like, if you ever want to get a compliment, try to trash talk Ashish. He’ll come back with, “Oh yeah, your team is really good,” or something equally complimentary. Get it, Ashish.

As for the rest of us, it’s really anybody’s game. And I know I’ve been saying that all season, but it’s been true all season. Take a look at our current power rankings.

You’ll see that Jayson and I are tied for second, Lauren and Sue are tied for third, and Mike, Maria and Shilpa are tied for fourth. Except for Ashish, there is only one win separating each ranking from the next. The top six get in to playoffs and literally anything can happen at this point.

Final Takeaway

What I am trying to convey is that with the exception of Ashish (who will set his lineup anyway because he is competitive), every single one of you could make a run for playoffs, and you should.

This week is the last of the bye weeks – the Bills, Bengals, Eagles, and Seahawks are all on bye. Set your lineups to fill any holes. Scour the waiver wire for suitable replacements. Do what you have to do in these last few weeks to win.

Remember – all you have to do is make it to playoffs. Then your record doesn’t matter. It’s one and done in the postseason, kind of like the Hunger Games. For all you know the winner could be you.

The Plot Thickens

I didn’t realize that the match ups this week would be divided up between the teams that were 3-1 and the teams that were 1-3, further differentiating the team records and thickening the plot of our journey to playoffs. We are all so close, though! And there are many weeks ahead to watch this madness play out.

I will be changing up our LM note formats a bit. For one, I won’t be covering each matchup. It’s the part of the LM notes that take the longest time. And sometimes, victories just happen. And there’s nothing close about it, and it’s not particularly interesting to write about, and let’s be real. You probably already followed it over the weekend. So from here on out, only the close or otherwise remarkable match ups will be recapped.

In lieu of the unremarkable recaps, I will be doing fun little features that will, hopefully, increase your interest in football. While the game in and of itself can be amazing, the side plots of the league are every bit as fun to follow, if not more so.

Also, I just now realized how to make differentiated fonts for headlines using this thing, which should make for a more visually appealing note. Case in point:

Games of the Week

Mary vs. SHAH – I kind of thought Ashish was going to take this from the beginning, and that belief was solidified after I stupidly started Brady over Wilson and lost out on 20 points. But good-natured Ashish , ever the optimist, said that his unreliable defense would likely even out the score.

He was right! And going into Sunday night, Julio Jones was responsible for 27 points to get the win. He didn’t, although he did come up with this sick one-handed catch.

Ashish gets the win, though, and ties Sue for the best record in the league.

LHAM vs. Buln – This was easily the closest game of the week. Lauren didn’t replace her Steelers D/ST, who were on bye. Thankfully, Dez Bryant caught some crazy passes during the Broncos-Cowboys shootout, including an 80-yd. pass. And some desperately long field goals from Justin Tucker gave her kicker more points than I’ve ever seen a kicker do. She had a solid lead over Jayson after Sunday. But he still had Bilal Powell and Tony Gonzalez. Gonzalez did his part. Powell did not. Lauren moves on to 2-3. Jayson does not. It was only a 7 point difference.

Around the NFL

Normally I prefer to write this out, because then I can include cute jokes and images. But I was a bit swamped this week, so instead you are getting the video version that I do for my other league. There’s cute dogs in it anyway.

Week 5 Feature – Bros of the NFL

For many years, sports movies have shown the sensitive side of the American footballer – Rudy in his self titled movie, James van der Beek in Varsity Blues, the adopted guy in that Sandra Bullock movie, basically everyone in Friday Night Lights, you get the idea. But many other films have generated the stereotype that these strapping paradigms of male physical prowess carry all their brains in their biceps. They are, in a word, bros.

I don’t know that the stereotype is true, even for the majority of players in the NFL. It takes a lot of strategy and brain power to memorize and execute plays while adjusting your actions to your opponent’s surmised strategy. But there are definitely a couple of bros. These are my favorites.

Rob Gronkowski

By far and away the league’s #1 bro. A master of the Spanish language, he coined the phrase, “Yo soy fiesta.”

He made the white boy endzone dance a thing of beauty.

His British Gronk spike for the London game last year

He was unabashedly banging a moderately famous porn star.

And he fell on his injured arm while dancing shirtless on stage in Vegas.

He’s the one with the cast

The best part is that he’s so good at his job, you can’t even be mad. You can only sit back and wish that you, too, were a fiesta.

Andrew Luck

I don’t even care that he came from Stanford. Listen to the guy talk!

You don’t need to see all six minutes to hear that he’s a bro (or that she’s a crappy interviewer, and how do I get her job?) And look at his facial hair! He’s trying to do the whole, “I am grooming myself to look like I don’t groom myself,” and that’s totally bro-ey.

Mark Sanchez

He wears a headband. And don’t say that it’s to keep his lush curls from his eyes, because he’s not even active right now and he’s still wearing it.

Plus, his coach has an awkward suggestive tattoo of his wife wearing Sanchez’s jersey. If questionable threesomes aren’t bro material, I don’t know what is.

Clay Matthews

I was reticent to put another Trojan on the list, but it had to be done. He’s a beast on the defensive line. But he’s also got Taylor Hanson hair and obnoxious victory yells.

Plus he does endorsements for Muscle Milk, so…

Jay Cutler

I’ll let the images speak for themselves.

Why yes, that is Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach/The Hills

Don’t forget to pay attention to your bye weeks! Good luck in Week 6.

Week 4 Fo’ Sho

I’ll be totally honest. I wasn’t paying close attention this week. Not to football, not to our matchups. I was kind of exhausted from doing this:

For the record, Jayson, Ashish and I all lived.

And in the morning, the Bears’ looked like crap against the Lions, so Jayson and I went to brunch to wallow in fan self-pity. And then I started making food for this:

So. Epic.

But I’ll do my best to sum things up.

Weekly Recap

EWCC vs. TOMN – Sue won this soundly. Mike’s most reliable scoring leader Adrian Peterson put up great numbers. But DMC got injured and left the game. Then Brian Hartline and Brandon Myers put up dismal numbers. Meanwhile, Sue ‘s contributions for Victor Cruz, Antonio Brown and the 49ers D/ST were ample enough to overcome Green-Ellis’s nothingness, and she takes the win. Go Sue!

SHAH vs. BELT – On Sunday night, I thought Maria was going to take this one. Reggie Bush came back full force after his injury and gave 30 pts. And Antonio Gates had 136 ReYDS and 1 TD. In fact, she ties Jayson for the third highest score this week. Too bed she went up Ashish, who is the second highest scorer this week. Double-dipping with Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham (2 TDs!) is really working out for him and gave him a late surge to victory on Monday night.

This guy.

BULN vs. MARY – I know my boyfriend is awesome because even when I am beating his Fantasy Football team, he still takes me to a beautiful Sunday brunch.

No, but really. This is what we were talking about over brioche bread pudding.

Other than my kicker and Trent Richardson (who at least gave me a 100+ YD game), everyone on my team scored at least 1 TD, and I take the High Score of the Week trophy from Ashish. Jayson actually would have come in closer had he not left Tony Gonzalez on his bench. Perhaps he will get his revenge when we face each other again in Week 11.

KUMA vs. LHAM – The two out-of-towners brought us the matchup of the week. Per usual, Peyton Manning gave Shilpa 33 points. She got over 50 more from Frank Gore, Vernon Davis and Larry Fitzgerald. It really came down to whether or not Julian Edelman and Gronk could deliver for her on Sunday night. Edelman did! Gronk did not play. Unforch, really. If she had played the TE on her bench, talented endzone dancer Owen Daniels, Lauren would have had this. But she didn’t and so she wouldn’t and Shilpa takes the win.

It’s a double win for Shilpa, actually. She’s moving back to LA and can be part of our weekly, delicious and indulgent football viewing sessions. Hooray!

Around the NFL

Upsets – The Bills beat the Ravens, and you are a dirty liar if you say you saw that coming. It was a pretty sore beating that involved Joe Flacco making 4 interceptions. While the Bills have yet to prove themselves as a powerhouse, they have some surprising moments. It will be interesting to see how this team continues to develop under EJ Manuel.

Continuing on the subject of new QBs, take a look at former 3rd stringer Brandon Hoyer of the Cleveland Browns.

33-yds to newly unsuspended Josh Gordon!

Two (short, but effective) TD passes to give them a solid win against the Bengals. That’s 2 wins under Hoyer’s belt, and the only 2 Browns wins this year. Hoyer is currently filling in for injured starter Brandon Weeden. But given Hoyer’s passing abilities, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Browns saw some lineup changes in the near future.

The Seahawks had a pretty sick comeback in overtime against the Texans, extending their undefeated record this season. The Texans were leading 20-3 at the half. Then the Texans stopped scoring for the rest of the game. Seahawks managed to take the game to overtime with a 58 yd. interception return from monster CB Richard Sherman.

Then a field goal sealed the deal, and Matt Schaub wept. Or not. It’s hard to see under the helmet.

For the Record – It’s another week, another record for Peyton Manning. He threw his 16th TD pass, which is the most ever thrown by a single player within the first month of regular season. He also did so without a single interception, which hasn’t been done since 1960 and took 10 games to accomplish (it only took Peyton 4). Drew Brees is also making his mark in the record books. He completed his 9th consecutive game with 300+ passing yards, becoming only the sixth person in NFL history to do so. This is the second time that Brees has hit this mark (the first time being in the 2011 season).

Papa John’s Audible – Peyton Manning is famous for his “audibles” (when a QB shouts out audible codes as play changes in response to the defense’s strategy). He is also famous for being a franchise owner of a few Papa John’s Pizzas, which is why you see their commercials all Sunday long. Anyway, Peyton yelled some audibles, and the Eagles yelled one of their own.

The Eagles got spanked that night, so it’s not like their strategy worked. But it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Standings – There are now only 5 undefeated teams in the league – The Patriots, Broncos, Saints, Chiefs and Seahawks. Unsurprisingly, the Jaguars and Buccaneers have yet to record a win. But surprisingly, the Giants and Steelers are in the same boat. With their victory against the Chicago Bears, the Detroit Lions take the NFC North divisional title for the moment. However, should the two teams come to a tie at the end of the season, the Lions would be the one to move forward to playoffs.

Fairley went a little too hard.

The Vikings, Packers and Falcons, three teams who were in playoffs last year, have only one victory this season. While there are still many more weeks to rake in the victories, it certainly doesn’t bode well.

Bye Weeks – The Vikings, Buccaneers, Steelers and Redskins all go on bye next week so do not forget to set your lineup accordingly. If you forget, I will lay upon you the wrath of derisive judgement, the same judgement I am giving this fail Republican and his fail tweet.

Well, it is their bye week. Also, your opinion is invalid once you invite an Obama rodeo clown banned from the Missouri State Fair to perform in Texas to fight the liberal agenda.

I won’t be able to watch most of the games this week as I will be stuck watching some boring broker-dealer Master’s Series in Vegas for work, but I will try my damnedest to Gamecast everything without any of the executives catching me. (Shouldn’t be hard – they’ll all be too busy schmoozing with people infinitely more important than me.)  Catch you guys next week!

I don’t know why, but this is so funny to me. He’s like, “Bro, chill. For real.”

Now We Are Slightly Less Tied

At this point, everyone in the league is either at 1-2 or 2-1. There is still no telling who’s really going to make it to playoffs, so fret not if you are in the former group.

It didn’t help that this was a pretty weird week for Fantasy Football players everywhere. I mean, Daryl Richardson didn’t even play. The Giants laid a giant egg. Shiny top QBs from the 2012 season, like Kaepernick, Flacco and Eli Manning, were total duds and newcomers like Terrell Pryor and former 3rd Stringer Brandon Hoyer were major studs. So don’t get too discouraged if your fantasy team failed to perform to your liking this week. Weird things happen sometimes.

What do you mean the Giants lost 0-38 against the Carolina Panthers?!

Anyway, here’s how the week went down for us:

Mary vs. BELT

I got a great head start with Jamaal Charles, who was really the top fantasy performer from the entire Thursday night game. Maria gave a strong counter attack with Cam Newton, who threw for three TDs and rushed one in himself. But alas, her team was no match for Jordan Cameron, who is shaping up to be the second best TE in the NFL right now (after Jimmy Graham, of course, but more on that later). Add great performances from Russel Wilson against the Jags and the still-injured Julio Jones and this was a solid victory for my team.

LHAM vs. EWCC

For a while, it looked like Lauren was going to take this one. LeSean McCoy was really the star of the Eagles’ offense on Thursday night, giving her a strong 25 point start. Then came mediocre performances from both teams. Lauren had Eli Manning, Sue had Colin Kaepernick. Lauren’s Dez Bryant balanced out Sue’s Marques Colston. They were pretty much neck and neck until Antonio Brown got two TDs and 196 ReYDS, giving Sue the win.

TD Antonio Brown!

That’s okay, Lauren. Here is some Clay Matthews for you troubles.

KUMA vs. TOMN

Our league’s two autodrafters faced each other for the first time to see who autodrafted better. The answer was Shilpa, mostly because Peyton Manning put together another record breaking performance against the Oakland Raiders on Monday. (He broke Tom Brady’s 2011 record for most TD passes in the first 3 games of a season with 12.) Otherwise, Mike totally had this. Shilpa actually played two players that were out. But I guess that’s the power of Peyton.

BAMF

BULN vs. SHAH

This was a close one! Ashish has Jimmy Graham, undoubtedly the best TE in the NFL. He was good for 38 points. And by double dipping with Drew Brees, he got 35 more points! Jayson tried catching up with valiant efforts from Joique Bell and Calvin Johnson, plus a great performance from the Chicago Bears. But his Monday numbers from Wes Welker just couldn’t make up the difference though. Funny story though – in the Dacuma Family league, Jayson was winning by a slim margin to a girl who was playing Wes Welker. So by losing to Ashish, Jayson won in a different league. Fantasy football problems, man.

Around the NFL

Eric Berry Overcomes His Fear of Horses, Sort Of – Eric Berry is a two time pro-bowler and a great Safety for the KC Chiefs.

He also has equinophobia, an irrational fear of horses. This is a bit of an issue as the KC Chiefs’ mascot was a live horse named Warpaint. NFL Films caught his fear on tape and it went viral. Now NFL Films is at it again with an updated segment delving into Berry’s traumatic childhood that led to this crippling fear and the steps he is taking to combat it.

If there is nothing else you take from this Week’s LM Note, in the name of all things good and holy, you will watch this video. You’re welcome.

Trent Richardson Traded to Colts – This Sunday, Trent Richardson went from being the best offensive player by a mile on the Cleveland Browns to being one of the really good players on the Indianapolis Colts. By trading Richardson for the Colt’s 1st round draft pick (which, given the strength of the team, will probably be mid to late first round), the Browns effectively did this to their 2013 season:

In his 2012 season NFL debut, Richardson finished the regular season 18th in total rushing yards and broke the Brown’s record for most rushing yards by a rookie. Despite his contributions to the team, management conveniently forgot to tell Richardson he was being traded. Richardson found out because his cousin heard it on the radio and told him. So yeah. Nonetheless, Richardson is very much looking forward to his new opportunity. Let’s be real. He got the better end of this deal. And the Browns can continue working on their “rebuilding year.”

Rashad Johnson Lost a Finger – I know the league is focused on concussions and brain safety right now, but holy crap! Arizona Cardinals Safety Rashad Johnson lost a finger. He felt a pain in his hand after tackling Saints RB Darren Sproles, took off his glove, and realized a PIECE OF A FINGER WAS STILL INSIDE. Doctors managed to reattach the finger and will watch it closely over the next few days in case an infection arises. I, on the other hand, will try very hard to forget the image of taking off a glove and realizing you LEFT A PIECE OF YOUR FINGER IN IT. GAAHHHHH. He tweeted photos of the injury, but I couldn’t handle it. Here is the bandaged version:

Jacoby Jones Gets Hit Over the Head With A Champagne Bottle By a Stripper Named Sweet Pea –  There isn’t really much else you can add to that, except that it was on a party bus for his teammate’s birthday. Coach John Harbaugh is not amused. And neither is the stripper, who claims that she and the rest of the girls were waitresses. Here’s the photo. Discuss amongst yourselves.

She’s the blonde bringing you that Nene Leakes realness.

Anyway, don’t forget to mind your bye weeks, or I will send Gronk after you. You know he’s better now, right?

And speaking about “Bye Bye Bye” weeks, you know Joseph Fauria practiced this in the mirror just in case he ever made a touchdown?

Apparently, when he was playing flag football as a kid, he would do the Macarena. Jimmy Fallon actually promised to donate $10,000 to charity in the name of the first player to do the ‘NSYNC endzone dance, so now the Make-A-Wish foundation will be getting a lovely donation.

On that note, I hope you guys get to do your victory dances this weekend. And then you cherish those moments in the wake of what will inevitably be a tragic ending to Breaking Bad.

 

 

Week 4 – “Who’s On the Waiver Wire”

I’m working on your Week 3 recap. Hand to God, it will be done by tomorrow. It might even be done tonight, but I can feel myself getting sleepy. Either way, I wanted to get you guys this cool new series that I am going to do just for you.

I noticed that we’ve had very few transactions (add/drop/trade) in our league. That’s actually quite common for the first few weeks. But Week 4 is the first of the bye weeks. And by the time you hit week 8, you would have had to make at least a few adjustments. And since a lot of you are new to this, I am going to make some of my own fantasy picks.

Mind you, I make no promises. I don’t have ESP. I encourage you to continue reading Fantasy news from people who are paid to be accurate, as well as employing you math and data analysis skills to analyze the stats. (Need a refresher? Click here.)

But anyway, here it is. Your very first edition of “Who’s On the Waiver Wire.”

Waiver picks are due tonight. Any other add/drops can be done up until the player is locked for the week. As always, ask me if you need anything.

Good luck!

We Really Do Like Each Other

How f*cking cute are these salt and pepper shakers?

You know how I know? Because we take turns winning. Everyone who won in Week 1 lost their matchup in Week 2, meaning that everyone has a 1-1 record.

The matchups were pretty definitive even before the Sunday night game, so there’s not really a recap needed. Also, every emotion I had has been decimated by the last episode of Breaking Bad. That show is monopolizing my bandwidth of feels.

I’m trying to remember happier times.

Thus, we are going to discuss tiebreakers and playoffs.

Tiebreakers and Playoffs

To refresh your memory, the top six teams are entered into playoffs. Our divisions are divided like so:

By the time we hit playoffs, chances are low that you will have the same record as someone else in the league. But if it happens, the tiebreaker is the total points a team has scored.

The two division leaders each get the first week of playoffs off, guaranteeing themselves a matchup in round 2. The remaining four teams will play each other in round 1 for a spot in round 2. Of those four teams, the two with the higher seeding gets a 1 point home team advantage. If you think that sounds insignificant, you should know that last year, there were no less then three matchups that were determined by a 1 point difference.

If you ever have any questions about the standings, just click on the “Standings” tab from the league’s homepage. It will take you through a full breakdown of each team’s record. And if you click the “Projected Playoff Bracket,” you can speculate about your potential journey to the championship and a year’s worth of bragging rights. There are still 12 weeks before playoffs and anything can happen. Don’t get too discouraged/comfortable where you’re at.

Dues. Seriously.

You guys. Pay your dues.

Around the NFL

I’m rewatching “Ozymandias” AGAIN because I just can’t get enough. I’m going to make this quick.

Sibling Rivalry – It was Manning vs. Manning for the third time in Peyton and Eli’s pro-football careers. Peyton won again. Eli is 0-3. Sorry Eli.

I know it’s mean, but Sad Eli is so cute!

The 12th Man Comes Through in Seattle – The 12th man is what people call the general spirit (and horrendous acoustics) of CenturyLink Stadium in Seattle that magically gives Seahawks a significant advantage. In the repeat performance of Wilson vs. Kaepernick, the 12th man actually hit a stadium record of 136 decibels. Whether it was that, all the 49ers penalties, Marshawn Lynch or the sick Seattle defense, the Seahawks pwned the 49ers for the second consecutive year. And at 29-3, this was truly the ass-kicking of the week. I hope for Sue’s sake that Kaepernick won’t actually shave his eyebrows. Like, that had to be a joke, right? Oh wait…

And Speaking of Shaves… – There were quite a few close ones this week.

  • Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings – I had a lot invested in this game. Last year, the Bears were knocked out of the playoffs by Adrian Peterson the Vikings, and I was out for blood. It was neck and neck until Tobbie Gould kicked a 20 yd. FG just as the half ended, putting Chicago ahead 24-21. Then for the rest of the half it was nothing but field goals from Blair Walsh – three of them, to be exact. In the last minute of the game, it looked though the Vikings would take this, 30-24. Suddenly, a touchdown! Cutler throws it to Martellus Bennett, their second endzone connection of the day, with just 10 SECONDS LEFT on the clock. Clutch, Jay. Robbie Gould, flawfree as always, scores the extra point needed to get that victory. Bears go 2-0, and I continue to speculate how Christian Ponder stays employed.
  • Carolina Panthers vs. Buffalo Bills – The ending of this game was sick. The teams were tied at the half, 14-14. Then Graham Gano of the Panthers kicks a FG. No big deal. He kicks another field goal. That’s okay – Dan Carpenter kicks one, too. With only a minute and a half left in the game, Gano kicks yet another field goal, and now it’s time to panic. There isn’t enough time for the Bills to score 2 field goals, so they need a TD to tie and an XP to win. They progress towards the goal line, but time is running out. Then with TWO SECONDS LEFT, they score a TD. They use the last second of the game for the kick. EJ Manuel wins his first game as a starting NFL QB.
  • New Orleans Saints vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – This should not have been as difficult as it was. New Orleans had a marginal lead for most of the game. The score was 13-7 for the Saints going into 4th quarter. Eventually, Mason Foster intercepts a pass by Drew Brees and takes it all the way to the endzone, tying the game. And the XP from Rian Lindell meant that the Saints had just over 12 minutes to try to get something on the board. No problem, right? I mean, it’s Drew Brees. Except the Tampa Bay defense just kept interrupting his passing game. And when the Tampa Bay offense was in play, they took their damn sweet time with the ball, letting Doug “Muscle Hamster” Martin go for several short runs. They had possession for almost three times as long as the Saints did that quarter. Next thing you know, there’s a minute left and the Saints are still down by 1. But it’s moments like this where you can see why Brees is an elite QB. In less than a minute, Brees threw three passes for almost 55 yards. Hartley kicks a field goal as the clock runs out and the Saints take home the win.
  • San Diego Chargers vs. Philadelphia Eagles – Both teams were looking for the first win of the season. And they fought pretty hard, showing a lot more potential than they had last season. The teams were tied at the start of the 4th, 20-20. Nick Novak kicks the field goal, bringing the Chargers to 23-20. Then Michael Vick runs in a TD, bringing the lead back to the Eagles at 27-23 and showing why he was a better fantasy QB than Matt Ryan this week and you should listen to your girlfriend next time. Chargers take back the lead shortly thereafter with a TD pass to Eddie Royal and the XP from Novak. And then the Eagles counter with a FG from Alex Henery, tying the score and leaving less than 2 minutes on the clock! Relying heavily on Antonio Gates, Danny Woodhead and a no-huddle offense, Rivers takes the team down just within field goal range. With 7 seconds on the clock, Novak kicks a 46-yarder for the win.

Kansas City Chiefs Go 2-0 – Somehow they managed to come from behind against the Cowboys. This technically counts as a close shave, but it’s such shocking news that it merits its own paragraph. You see, the Chiefs only won 2 games the entire 2012 season. Unless they don’t win another game for the rest of the season (not likely, given their momentum, Andy Reid’s encouragement and Alex Smith’s arm), this is a vast improvement. I am pleasantly amused.

Defense! Also, Romo is mediocre at best. AT. BEST.

For real though guys, pay your dues. It shows that you are committed to this league and that we are all in this together. Aren’t we? I mean you said… We were supposed to be together. We all got tied records together and everything! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAD PEOPLE ON LIKE THAT.

So pay your dues.

And get excited to watch the Chicago Bears help Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers go 0-3 on Sunday Night. BEAR DOWN!!!

Week One for the Money

You made it though Week 1. Not so bad, right? In fact, maybe kind of fun, right? Yeah, I thought so. In case you weren’t stalking your score yet all weekend, here is how everything went down.

Week One Recap

Jayson vs. Shilpa

In case you didn’t hear, Peyton Manning had a crazy good game. How good? He tied or broke 5 records in less than half an hour. That kind of good. So basically anyone who started Peyton Manning this week pretty much locked in their victory by Thursday night. Thanks to Peyton and two TDs each for Vernon Davis and Larry Fitzgerald, Shilpa won a clear and early victory.

I take back all the times I said Peyton was on the decline.

Suzie vs. Maria

Peyton’s sweeping performance was bad news for the Ravens defense, who actually put Maria in the negative before the weekend. However, she rallied early Sunday and put herself in a competitive position against Sue thanks to fellow USC alum Reggie Bush, who rushed for 90 yds and gathered 101 receiving yds, including a 77 yd. TD.

FTFO Reggie!

But sadly for Maria, Sue’s fave QB Kaepernick threw for 412 yds and 3 TDs, and then Jason Witten had two visits to the endzone on Sunday night. Maria would have had a chance if Alfred Morris performed like the top 10 RB he is. But the Eagles defense kept him at bay and even made him fumble. Not even DeSean Jackson’s 100 yd. performance could salvage it.

Mike vs. Ashish

It was roommate vs. roommate in Week 1. Ashish got a great head start as Demaryius Thomas caught 2 TDs, including one for 78 yds. But GODDAMN Adrian Peterson. He was not kidding when he said he was going to try to break the record for most rushing yards in a regular season. (Some of you may remember that he came up 3 yds short last year following an injury to his ACL. Beast.) Peterson scored a 78 yd. TD the minute he touched the ball, and then scored two more TDs besides. Compound that with stellar contributions from AJ Green and Aaron Rodgers and House Tommen quickly pulled away in a cruel, Lannister-esque victory.

Excellent work, House Tommen!

Mary vs. Lauren

This was the only matchup to extend into Monday Night. At the start of the Eagles-Redskins game, I was projected to win by four (a very uncertain margin). I was hopeful at first. But then LeSean McCoy just kept running! Lauren was in the lead going into the second MNF game, and furthered that lead with two TDs from Owen Daniels. While My last player in action, Andre Johnson, was still good for 30 points that evening, he also had a 67 yd. TD and a 51 yd. pass overturned. So sad. It wasn’t enough. Lauren takes the win, and I drowned my sorrows in a reasonably sized serving of skim milk and Nesquik.

Side note – but who remembers this flavor? And who remembers when it was called Nestle Quick and you had to pry open the top with a spoon? Good times.

Around the NFL

One for the Record Books – Like I said, Peyton Manning tied or broke 5 records in under half an hour:

  • Manning extends the NFL record for most three-TD games in a career with 74.
  • Manning ties Brett Favre for the NFL record for most four-TD games in a career with 23. (Favre still beats Peyton in the number of alleged penis photos floating out in the public.)
  • Manning ties the NFL record for most five-TD games in a career with seven. Only four other people have hit this record, and the last time it happened was in 1969.
  • Manning sets the NFL record for most six-TD games in a career with three.
  • With his seventh TD, Manning ties the NFL record for most touchdown passes in a single game. Only five other people have hit this record, and the last time it happened was in 1969. Of these record holders, he is only the second to throw all seven without an interception.

Superbowl Champs Lose Season Opener – Cry more, Baltimorians! (Randomly, that is half of this league.) This was the second time ever that a reigning Superbowl champion has lost the opening game of the season since they started the tradition that reigning Superbowl champs host the opening game of the season. This happened last year when the Giants lost to the Cowboys. Who knows if it’s a new tradition? I hope it’s not, unless the Packers win it this year.

The Kansas City Chiefs Won – No, really. And not only did they win, they kept the Jacksonville Jags to just 2 points! I know this because I played both Maurice Jones Drew and Cecil Shorts in my family league and was tremendously disappointed. So the team that finished the 2012 regular season with the worst record in the NFL is technically in first place in the AFC based off of team record and what the NFL calls “strength of victory.” Well, damn.

Funny story – the touchdown that inspired this dance was actually overturned.

Other Surprising Performances – Many wondered if RG3 would be able to perform at his 2012 level following a knee injury in his playoff game against the Seahawks. The answer is yes, but he will take half a game to get it going. The Redskins managed to come from behind and ultimately win the game on Monday night.

And how about those Eagles? Former Oregon Coach Chip Kelly showed a lot of promise with his new team. Thank goodness, too. Remember when he totally told everyone he wasn’t leaving, and then left? That would suck if he ended up being a crappy coach.

And while the San Diego Chargers ended up losing to the Texans by a field goal in the last few minutes of the game, Philip Rivers and his O-line seemed much more cohesive than they’ve been in the previous years under Norv Turner. (Not like we didn’t all see that coming, but whatever.) This is great news for me as I have a Chargers shirt that I have been too ashamed to wear on game day for the past two years.

League Announcements

Pay your dues.

Also, be sure to stay current on NFL news. I know it’s only week one, but there have already been a few injuries (Tony Romo, who they say is okay, but who knows, Shane Vereen, Danny Amendola).

And if you aren’t happy with your team or are just looking for an edge, don’t forget to refer to my previous posts about player transactions. We are a small league with small rosters, and there are plenty of great people still available.

On a final note, now that you might have built up some confidence, feel free to engage your opponents in some trash talking. Please. Because Lauren and I tried it and we are SO bad at it. I need you guys to raise our standards.

We need to do better.