Week One for the Money

You made it though Week 1. Not so bad, right? In fact, maybe kind of fun, right? Yeah, I thought so. In case you weren’t stalking your score yet all weekend, here is how everything went down.

Week One Recap

Jayson vs. Shilpa

In case you didn’t hear, Peyton Manning had a crazy good game. How good? He tied or broke 5 records in less than half an hour. That kind of good. So basically anyone who started Peyton Manning this week pretty much locked in their victory by Thursday night. Thanks to Peyton and two TDs each for Vernon Davis and Larry Fitzgerald, Shilpa won a clear and early victory.

I take back all the times I said Peyton was on the decline.

Suzie vs. Maria

Peyton’s sweeping performance was bad news for the Ravens defense, who actually put Maria in the negative before the weekend. However, she rallied early Sunday and put herself in a competitive position against Sue thanks to fellow USC alum Reggie Bush, who rushed for 90 yds and gathered 101 receiving yds, including a 77 yd. TD.

FTFO Reggie!

But sadly for Maria, Sue’s fave QB Kaepernick threw for 412 yds and 3 TDs, and then Jason Witten had two visits to the endzone on Sunday night. Maria would have had a chance if Alfred Morris performed like the top 10 RB he is. But the Eagles defense kept him at bay and even made him fumble. Not even DeSean Jackson’s 100 yd. performance could salvage it.

Mike vs. Ashish

It was roommate vs. roommate in Week 1. Ashish got a great head start as Demaryius Thomas caught 2 TDs, including one for 78 yds. But GODDAMN Adrian Peterson. He was not kidding when he said he was going to try to break the record for most rushing yards in a regular season. (Some of you may remember that he came up 3 yds short last year following an injury to his ACL. Beast.) Peterson scored a 78 yd. TD the minute he touched the ball, and then scored two more TDs besides. Compound that with stellar contributions from AJ Green and Aaron Rodgers and House Tommen quickly pulled away in a cruel, Lannister-esque victory.

Excellent work, House Tommen!

Mary vs. Lauren

This was the only matchup to extend into Monday Night. At the start of the Eagles-Redskins game, I was projected to win by four (a very uncertain margin). I was hopeful at first. But then LeSean McCoy just kept running! Lauren was in the lead going into the second MNF game, and furthered that lead with two TDs from Owen Daniels. While My last player in action, Andre Johnson, was still good for 30 points that evening, he also had a 67 yd. TD and a 51 yd. pass overturned. So sad. It wasn’t enough. Lauren takes the win, and I drowned my sorrows in a reasonably sized serving of skim milk and Nesquik.

Side note – but who remembers this flavor? And who remembers when it was called Nestle Quick and you had to pry open the top with a spoon? Good times.

Around the NFL

One for the Record Books – Like I said, Peyton Manning tied or broke 5 records in under half an hour:

  • Manning extends the NFL record for most three-TD games in a career with 74.
  • Manning ties Brett Favre for the NFL record for most four-TD games in a career with 23. (Favre still beats Peyton in the number of alleged penis photos floating out in the public.)
  • Manning ties the NFL record for most five-TD games in a career with seven. Only four other people have hit this record, and the last time it happened was in 1969.
  • Manning sets the NFL record for most six-TD games in a career with three.
  • With his seventh TD, Manning ties the NFL record for most touchdown passes in a single game. Only five other people have hit this record, and the last time it happened was in 1969. Of these record holders, he is only the second to throw all seven without an interception.

Superbowl Champs Lose Season Opener – Cry more, Baltimorians! (Randomly, that is half of this league.) This was the second time ever that a reigning Superbowl champion has lost the opening game of the season since they started the tradition that reigning Superbowl champs host the opening game of the season. This happened last year when the Giants lost to the Cowboys. Who knows if it’s a new tradition? I hope it’s not, unless the Packers win it this year.

The Kansas City Chiefs Won – No, really. And not only did they win, they kept the Jacksonville Jags to just 2 points! I know this because I played both Maurice Jones Drew and Cecil Shorts in my family league and was tremendously disappointed. So the team that finished the 2012 regular season with the worst record in the NFL is technically in first place in the AFC based off of team record and what the NFL calls “strength of victory.” Well, damn.

Funny story – the touchdown that inspired this dance was actually overturned.

Other Surprising Performances – Many wondered if RG3 would be able to perform at his 2012 level following a knee injury in his playoff game against the Seahawks. The answer is yes, but he will take half a game to get it going. The Redskins managed to come from behind and ultimately win the game on Monday night.

And how about those Eagles? Former Oregon Coach Chip Kelly showed a lot of promise with his new team. Thank goodness, too. Remember when he totally told everyone he wasn’t leaving, and then left? That would suck if he ended up being a crappy coach.

And while the San Diego Chargers ended up losing to the Texans by a field goal in the last few minutes of the game, Philip Rivers and his O-line seemed much more cohesive than they’ve been in the previous years under Norv Turner. (Not like we didn’t all see that coming, but whatever.) This is great news for me as I have a Chargers shirt that I have been too ashamed to wear on game day for the past two years.

League Announcements

Pay your dues.

Also, be sure to stay current on NFL news. I know it’s only week one, but there have already been a few injuries (Tony Romo, who they say is okay, but who knows, Shane Vereen, Danny Amendola).

And if you aren’t happy with your team or are just looking for an edge, don’t forget to refer to my previous posts about player transactions. We are a small league with small rosters, and there are plenty of great people still available.

On a final note, now that you might have built up some confidence, feel free to engage your opponents in some trash talking. Please. Because Lauren and I tried it and we are SO bad at it. I need you guys to raise our standards.

We need to do better.

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