We Really Do Like Each Other

How f*cking cute are these salt and pepper shakers?

You know how I know? Because we take turns winning. Everyone who won in Week 1 lost their matchup in Week 2, meaning that everyone has a 1-1 record.

The matchups were pretty definitive even before the Sunday night game, so there’s not really a recap needed. Also, every emotion I had has been decimated by the last episode of Breaking Bad. That show is monopolizing my bandwidth of feels.

I’m trying to remember happier times.

Thus, we are going to discuss tiebreakers and playoffs.

Tiebreakers and Playoffs

To refresh your memory, the top six teams are entered into playoffs. Our divisions are divided like so:

By the time we hit playoffs, chances are low that you will have the same record as someone else in the league. But if it happens, the tiebreaker is the total points a team has scored.

The two division leaders each get the first week of playoffs off, guaranteeing themselves a matchup in round 2. The remaining four teams will play each other in round 1 for a spot in round 2. Of those four teams, the two with the higher seeding gets a 1 point home team advantage. If you think that sounds insignificant, you should know that last year, there were no less then three matchups that were determined by a 1 point difference.

If you ever have any questions about the standings, just click on the “Standings” tab from the league’s homepage. It will take you through a full breakdown of each team’s record. And if you click the “Projected Playoff Bracket,” you can speculate about your potential journey to the championship and a year’s worth of bragging rights. There are still 12 weeks before playoffs and anything can happen. Don’t get too discouraged/comfortable where you’re at.

Dues. Seriously.

You guys. Pay your dues.

Around the NFL

I’m rewatching “Ozymandias” AGAIN because I just can’t get enough. I’m going to make this quick.

Sibling Rivalry – It was Manning vs. Manning for the third time in Peyton and Eli’s pro-football careers. Peyton won again. Eli is 0-3. Sorry Eli.

I know it’s mean, but Sad Eli is so cute!

The 12th Man Comes Through in Seattle – The 12th man is what people call the general spirit (and horrendous acoustics) of CenturyLink Stadium in Seattle that magically gives Seahawks a significant advantage. In the repeat performance of Wilson vs. Kaepernick, the 12th man actually hit a stadium record of 136 decibels. Whether it was that, all the 49ers penalties, Marshawn Lynch or the sick Seattle defense, the Seahawks pwned the 49ers for the second consecutive year. And at 29-3, this was truly the ass-kicking of the week. I hope for Sue’s sake that Kaepernick won’t actually shave his eyebrows. Like, that had to be a joke, right? Oh wait…

And Speaking of Shaves… – There were quite a few close ones this week.

  • Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings – I had a lot invested in this game. Last year, the Bears were knocked out of the playoffs by Adrian Peterson the Vikings, and I was out for blood. It was neck and neck until Tobbie Gould kicked a 20 yd. FG just as the half ended, putting Chicago ahead 24-21. Then for the rest of the half it was nothing but field goals from Blair Walsh – three of them, to be exact. In the last minute of the game, it looked though the Vikings would take this, 30-24. Suddenly, a touchdown! Cutler throws it to Martellus Bennett, their second endzone connection of the day, with just 10 SECONDS LEFT on the clock. Clutch, Jay. Robbie Gould, flawfree as always, scores the extra point needed to get that victory. Bears go 2-0, and I continue to speculate how Christian Ponder stays employed.
  • Carolina Panthers vs. Buffalo Bills – The ending of this game was sick. The teams were tied at the half, 14-14. Then Graham Gano of the Panthers kicks a FG. No big deal. He kicks another field goal. That’s okay – Dan Carpenter kicks one, too. With only a minute and a half left in the game, Gano kicks yet another field goal, and now it’s time to panic. There isn’t enough time for the Bills to score 2 field goals, so they need a TD to tie and an XP to win. They progress towards the goal line, but time is running out. Then with TWO SECONDS LEFT, they score a TD. They use the last second of the game for the kick. EJ Manuel wins his first game as a starting NFL QB.
  • New Orleans Saints vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – This should not have been as difficult as it was. New Orleans had a marginal lead for most of the game. The score was 13-7 for the Saints going into 4th quarter. Eventually, Mason Foster intercepts a pass by Drew Brees and takes it all the way to the endzone, tying the game. And the XP from Rian Lindell meant that the Saints had just over 12 minutes to try to get something on the board. No problem, right? I mean, it’s Drew Brees. Except the Tampa Bay defense just kept interrupting his passing game. And when the Tampa Bay offense was in play, they took their damn sweet time with the ball, letting Doug “Muscle Hamster” Martin go for several short runs. They had possession for almost three times as long as the Saints did that quarter. Next thing you know, there’s a minute left and the Saints are still down by 1. But it’s moments like this where you can see why Brees is an elite QB. In less than a minute, Brees threw three passes for almost 55 yards. Hartley kicks a field goal as the clock runs out and the Saints take home the win.
  • San Diego Chargers vs. Philadelphia Eagles – Both teams were looking for the first win of the season. And they fought pretty hard, showing a lot more potential than they had last season. The teams were tied at the start of the 4th, 20-20. Nick Novak kicks the field goal, bringing the Chargers to 23-20. Then Michael Vick runs in a TD, bringing the lead back to the Eagles at 27-23 and showing why he was a better fantasy QB than Matt Ryan this week and you should listen to your girlfriend next time. Chargers take back the lead shortly thereafter with a TD pass to Eddie Royal and the XP from Novak. And then the Eagles counter with a FG from Alex Henery, tying the score and leaving less than 2 minutes on the clock! Relying heavily on Antonio Gates, Danny Woodhead and a no-huddle offense, Rivers takes the team down just within field goal range. With 7 seconds on the clock, Novak kicks a 46-yarder for the win.

Kansas City Chiefs Go 2-0 – Somehow they managed to come from behind against the Cowboys. This technically counts as a close shave, but it’s such shocking news that it merits its own paragraph. You see, the Chiefs only won 2 games the entire 2012 season. Unless they don’t win another game for the rest of the season (not likely, given their momentum, Andy Reid’s encouragement and Alex Smith’s arm), this is a vast improvement. I am pleasantly amused.

Defense! Also, Romo is mediocre at best. AT. BEST.

For real though guys, pay your dues. It shows that you are committed to this league and that we are all in this together. Aren’t we? I mean you said… We were supposed to be together. We all got tied records together and everything! YOU CAN’T JUST LEAD PEOPLE ON LIKE THAT.

So pay your dues.

And get excited to watch the Chicago Bears help Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers go 0-3 on Sunday Night. BEAR DOWN!!!

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