The Plot Thickens

I didn’t realize that the match ups this week would be divided up between the teams that were 3-1 and the teams that were 1-3, further differentiating the team records and thickening the plot of our journey to playoffs. We are all so close, though! And there are many weeks ahead to watch this madness play out.

I will be changing up our LM note formats a bit. For one, I won’t be covering each matchup. It’s the part of the LM notes that take the longest time. And sometimes, victories just happen. And there’s nothing close about it, and it’s not particularly interesting to write about, and let’s be real. You probably already followed it over the weekend. So from here on out, only the close or otherwise remarkable match ups will be recapped.

In lieu of the unremarkable recaps, I will be doing fun little features that will, hopefully, increase your interest in football. While the game in and of itself can be amazing, the side plots of the league are every bit as fun to follow, if not more so.

Also, I just now realized how to make differentiated fonts for headlines using this thing, which should make for a more visually appealing note. Case in point:

Games of the Week

Mary vs. SHAH – I kind of thought Ashish was going to take this from the beginning, and that belief was solidified after I stupidly started Brady over Wilson and lost out on 20 points. But good-natured Ashish , ever the optimist, said that his unreliable defense would likely even out the score.

He was right! And going into Sunday night, Julio Jones was responsible for 27 points to get the win. He didn’t, although he did come up with this sick one-handed catch.

Ashish gets the win, though, and ties Sue for the best record in the league.

LHAM vs. Buln – This was easily the closest game of the week. Lauren didn’t replace her Steelers D/ST, who were on bye. Thankfully, Dez Bryant caught some crazy passes during the Broncos-Cowboys shootout, including an 80-yd. pass. And some desperately long field goals from Justin Tucker gave her kicker more points than I’ve ever seen a kicker do. She had a solid lead over Jayson after Sunday. But he still had Bilal Powell and Tony Gonzalez. Gonzalez did his part. Powell did not. Lauren moves on to 2-3. Jayson does not. It was only a 7 point difference.

Around the NFL

Normally I prefer to write this out, because then I can include cute jokes and images. But I was a bit swamped this week, so instead you are getting the video version that I do for my other league. There’s cute dogs in it anyway.

Week 5 Feature – Bros of the NFL

For many years, sports movies have shown the sensitive side of the American footballer – Rudy in his self titled movie, James van der Beek in Varsity Blues, the adopted guy in that Sandra Bullock movie, basically everyone in Friday Night Lights, you get the idea. But many other films have generated the stereotype that these strapping paradigms of male physical prowess carry all their brains in their biceps. They are, in a word, bros.

I don’t know that the stereotype is true, even for the majority of players in the NFL. It takes a lot of strategy and brain power to memorize and execute plays while adjusting your actions to your opponent’s surmised strategy. But there are definitely a couple of bros. These are my favorites.

Rob Gronkowski

By far and away the league’s #1 bro. A master of the Spanish language, he coined the phrase, “Yo soy fiesta.”

He made the white boy endzone dance a thing of beauty.

His British Gronk spike for the London game last year

He was unabashedly banging a moderately famous porn star.

And he fell on his injured arm while dancing shirtless on stage in Vegas.

He’s the one with the cast

The best part is that he’s so good at his job, you can’t even be mad. You can only sit back and wish that you, too, were a fiesta.

Andrew Luck

I don’t even care that he came from Stanford. Listen to the guy talk!

You don’t need to see all six minutes to hear that he’s a bro (or that she’s a crappy interviewer, and how do I get her job?) And look at his facial hair! He’s trying to do the whole, “I am grooming myself to look like I don’t groom myself,” and that’s totally bro-ey.

Mark Sanchez

He wears a headband. And don’t say that it’s to keep his lush curls from his eyes, because he’s not even active right now and he’s still wearing it.

Plus, his coach has an awkward suggestive tattoo of his wife wearing Sanchez’s jersey. If questionable threesomes aren’t bro material, I don’t know what is.

Clay Matthews

I was reticent to put another Trojan on the list, but it had to be done. He’s a beast on the defensive line. But he’s also got Taylor Hanson hair and obnoxious victory yells.

Plus he does endorsements for Muscle Milk, so…

Jay Cutler

I’ll let the images speak for themselves.

Why yes, that is Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach/The Hills

Don’t forget to pay attention to your bye weeks! Good luck in Week 6.


Week 4 Fo’ Sho

I’ll be totally honest. I wasn’t paying close attention this week. Not to football, not to our matchups. I was kind of exhausted from doing this:

For the record, Jayson, Ashish and I all lived.

And in the morning, the Bears’ looked like crap against the Lions, so Jayson and I went to brunch to wallow in fan self-pity. And then I started making food for this:

So. Epic.

But I’ll do my best to sum things up.

Weekly Recap

EWCC vs. TOMN – Sue won this soundly. Mike’s most reliable scoring leader Adrian Peterson put up great numbers. But DMC got injured and left the game. Then Brian Hartline and Brandon Myers put up dismal numbers. Meanwhile, Sue ‘s contributions for Victor Cruz, Antonio Brown and the 49ers D/ST were ample enough to overcome Green-Ellis’s nothingness, and she takes the win. Go Sue!

SHAH vs. BELT – On Sunday night, I thought Maria was going to take this one. Reggie Bush came back full force after his injury and gave 30 pts. And Antonio Gates had 136 ReYDS and 1 TD. In fact, she ties Jayson for the third highest score this week. Too bed she went up Ashish, who is the second highest scorer this week. Double-dipping with Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham (2 TDs!) is really working out for him and gave him a late surge to victory on Monday night.

This guy.

BULN vs. MARY – I know my boyfriend is awesome because even when I am beating his Fantasy Football team, he still takes me to a beautiful Sunday brunch.

No, but really. This is what we were talking about over brioche bread pudding.

Other than my kicker and Trent Richardson (who at least gave me a 100+ YD game), everyone on my team scored at least 1 TD, and I take the High Score of the Week trophy from Ashish. Jayson actually would have come in closer had he not left Tony Gonzalez on his bench. Perhaps he will get his revenge when we face each other again in Week 11.

KUMA vs. LHAM – The two out-of-towners brought us the matchup of the week. Per usual, Peyton Manning gave Shilpa 33 points. She got over 50 more from Frank Gore, Vernon Davis and Larry Fitzgerald. It really came down to whether or not Julian Edelman and Gronk could deliver for her on Sunday night. Edelman did! Gronk did not play. Unforch, really. If she had played the TE on her bench, talented endzone dancer Owen Daniels, Lauren would have had this. But she didn’t and so she wouldn’t and Shilpa takes the win.

It’s a double win for Shilpa, actually. She’s moving back to LA and can be part of our weekly, delicious and indulgent football viewing sessions. Hooray!

Around the NFL

Upsets – The Bills beat the Ravens, and you are a dirty liar if you say you saw that coming. It was a pretty sore beating that involved Joe Flacco making 4 interceptions. While the Bills have yet to prove themselves as a powerhouse, they have some surprising moments. It will be interesting to see how this team continues to develop under EJ Manuel.

Continuing on the subject of new QBs, take a look at former 3rd stringer Brandon Hoyer of the Cleveland Browns.

33-yds to newly unsuspended Josh Gordon!

Two (short, but effective) TD passes to give them a solid win against the Bengals. That’s 2 wins under Hoyer’s belt, and the only 2 Browns wins this year. Hoyer is currently filling in for injured starter Brandon Weeden. But given Hoyer’s passing abilities, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Browns saw some lineup changes in the near future.

The Seahawks had a pretty sick comeback in overtime against the Texans, extending their undefeated record this season. The Texans were leading 20-3 at the half. Then the Texans stopped scoring for the rest of the game. Seahawks managed to take the game to overtime with a 58 yd. interception return from monster CB Richard Sherman.

Then a field goal sealed the deal, and Matt Schaub wept. Or not. It’s hard to see under the helmet.

For the Record – It’s another week, another record for Peyton Manning. He threw his 16th TD pass, which is the most ever thrown by a single player within the first month of regular season. He also did so without a single interception, which hasn’t been done since 1960 and took 10 games to accomplish (it only took Peyton 4). Drew Brees is also making his mark in the record books. He completed his 9th consecutive game with 300+ passing yards, becoming only the sixth person in NFL history to do so. This is the second time that Brees has hit this mark (the first time being in the 2011 season).

Papa John’s Audible – Peyton Manning is famous for his “audibles” (when a QB shouts out audible codes as play changes in response to the defense’s strategy). He is also famous for being a franchise owner of a few Papa John’s Pizzas, which is why you see their commercials all Sunday long. Anyway, Peyton yelled some audibles, and the Eagles yelled one of their own.

The Eagles got spanked that night, so it’s not like their strategy worked. But it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Standings – There are now only 5 undefeated teams in the league – The Patriots, Broncos, Saints, Chiefs and Seahawks. Unsurprisingly, the Jaguars and Buccaneers have yet to record a win. But surprisingly, the Giants and Steelers are in the same boat. With their victory against the Chicago Bears, the Detroit Lions take the NFC North divisional title for the moment. However, should the two teams come to a tie at the end of the season, the Lions would be the one to move forward to playoffs.

Fairley went a little too hard.

The Vikings, Packers and Falcons, three teams who were in playoffs last year, have only one victory this season. While there are still many more weeks to rake in the victories, it certainly doesn’t bode well.

Bye Weeks – The Vikings, Buccaneers, Steelers and Redskins all go on bye next week so do not forget to set your lineup accordingly. If you forget, I will lay upon you the wrath of derisive judgement, the same judgement I am giving this fail Republican and his fail tweet.

Well, it is their bye week. Also, your opinion is invalid once you invite an Obama rodeo clown banned from the Missouri State Fair to perform in Texas to fight the liberal agenda.

I won’t be able to watch most of the games this week as I will be stuck watching some boring broker-dealer Master’s Series in Vegas for work, but I will try my damnedest to Gamecast everything without any of the executives catching me. (Shouldn’t be hard – they’ll all be too busy schmoozing with people infinitely more important than me.)  Catch you guys next week!

I don’t know why, but this is so funny to me. He’s like, “Bro, chill. For real.”